The Condensed Life and Times of Remus Lupin
by Tonkswyrda
Summary: Remus Lupin is thinking about his Life. Remus Lupin is about to die. R&R for happy summaries?


Looking back, Remus saw his life in six distinct parts. It was strange, he thought, how so many years could be compressed, whittled down into such a small number of things. Six. In the 37 years he had been on this planet, breathing and living and fighting, it was all compiled into six parts. It made everything he had ever done seem less significant; yet those six parts even more so. And they were so, so important.

Part one: being bitten.

It was obviously the big one, and the worst. Remus knew he had done some horrible things in his time. He had hurt people he loved. But everything was because of this. Even though people said it didn't matter that he was a werewolf, it didn't define him as a person... they were wrong. How could it not have, when he had been bitten at such a young age? He was who he was because of the bite he had received at five years of age. It was this bite that had almost stopped him from going to school, from having a real education. He had come so close to never having friends. He had come so close to becoming what Greyback had wanted him to be. And even though he hadn't become the isolated, raving monster Greyback had hoped for, it was still his lycanthrope that defined him. It was the reason he had no job. It was the reason he never dated. It was the reason he was so useful to the Order. And he hated how it dominated his life. He hated that there was no cure, and there was never likely to be.

Part two: actual, real friends.

They were the one thing he had wanted all his childhood, and they were the one thing he'd never been able to have, or thought he ever would have. But at Hogwarts, he had made friends almost right away. He'd had 3 actual friends, for some of the best years of his life. And they'd done amazing things together. The Marauders Map, and finding all those secret passages. James, Sirius and Peter had all become anamagi, so they could sneak out with him at full moons. And the pranks... Merlin, the number of pranks they had pulled on the school. Not to mention the number of detentions they had been given as a result. And they had all joined the Order of the Phoenix together. Even that first war had seemed easy, fun even, when they were together. Nowhere near as serious as he had treated the second war. But it had all been ripped away from him in the blink of an eye.

Part three: (put simply) Sirius Black.

Sirius Black was... amazing. Brilliant. Hilarious. Incredibly sexy. A thief. A wrongly convicted felon, in later years. Whatever he was, he was the only guy Remus had ever felt this way about. Everyone had presumed he was gay. But he still looked at girls, and they still looked at him. It was only Sirius. It could only ever be Sirius, that way. He'd known from the outset no other guy could ever make him feel the way Sirius did. Girls, however, were an entirely different matter. But back then, he hadn't been worried about that. He hadn't thought he'd ever have to. Turned out he would have to though, after Sirius was sent to Azkaban for murdering Peter and betraying Lily and James to Voldemort. As soon as he had heard that... his heart had broken. He knew that he could never love Sirius Black again. And Sirius had known that too. And somehow, instead of making everything better, it had only made things worse.

Part four: Alone.

Basically, it sucked.  
His friends were all dead and gone. The only person he had loved was in jail for life. And he was left behind. The last marauder. Just scraping by. Taking the odd job here and there, but they never lasted long. Not when his employers found out what he was. It was horrible, how unworthy and untrustworthy it made him to everyone who didn't know him. Girls came and went; he gave up on them. They always scampered when they learned the truth. He had barely scraped by, living off the pitiful benefits the ministry would give him. There was only one place an unemployed, unwanted werewolf in London could go: to Greyback. Knowing he had done so for himself had made Remus sick. He was better than this, and he knew it. He had wanted to leave. He did. And then Dumbledore had contacted him, and, guiltily, he had gone back on Dumbledore's orders. But at the end of it he was given a teaching job, and finally, after so many mind numbing years of nothing, life had seemed worth living, if only for a little while. But then Voldemort was back. And then the war.

Part five: Nymphadora Tonks.

Remus had never imagined he could feel this way about anyone again. And he never thought it would be someone so much younger than him. But Dora was different to everyone else. She was the only person whom, upon finding out about his condition, hadn't tripped over herself apologizing. (He never knew why people were always apologizing when they found out- it wasn't as if it was their fault.) And tripping was very usually Dora's style. No, she had surveyed him quietly, seriously, until he'd been worried she was going to give him the other typical reaction, and do a runner. She had opened her mouth, and he'd been waiting for the final insulting blow when she said: "That still doesn't tell me anything about you, you know. It doesn't tell me what kind of person you are, or what your favourite kind of cheese is. You have to tell me all those things yourself." And she'd smiled. Smiled! It had been such a long time since someone had smiled at him like that, let alone ask about his cheese preferences. And despite the fact that she was an auror, he still felt so protective of her, and always felt it was fully justified each time he caught her just in time to save her from falling down the stairs. He didn't know how it had happened, or why, but he had fallen in love with her. If it were possible, he was sure she was even more in love with him. But it had been foolish, or so he'd thought. He'd ended it, causing her more pain then he'd known. He spent almost a whole year turning both their lives into a living hell. It had hurt him, in the end, as much as it had hurt her. Watching her wither away had been painful, and every time he'd seen her looking thinner and more depressed he'd wanted to reach out and take her into his arms. But he couldn't. They'd both suffered in silence, for too long. And it was up to him to make things right. So he did what she wanted. She took him back, and he almost hated her for that. He didn't deserve her. But she was happy again, and it was what she wanted. And he loved her, he really did. But then he married her, and that's when everything started going downhill again.

Part six: Teddy Lupin.

He had hated himself as soon as he found out that Dora was pregnant. He was scared. He had left. Again. Remus could remember every horrible thought he'd had about his son, every word he'd said to Harry. He had told him he'd made a mistake marrying Dora. That this child would be better off without him. Everything had seemed so hopeless. But he knew he shouldn't have left. She shouldn't have to cope with this by herself. He went back, and he stayed. And out of all the hopelessness that was consuming him came the most brilliant thing in the world- Teddy Remus Lupin. His son. His perfect, beautiful metamorphmagus son. And Remus knew, now, that the only thing he wanted was to be around long enough to see his son grow up. To see him speak, to watch him crawl and walk. To teach him to ride a bike. To see him off on his first day of Hogwarts. He just wanted to be a Dad.

But now his ears were filled with her screams, drowned out by a loud rushing noise. And as his vision was overwhelmed by a green flash, he knew he was never going to do any of those things. His son would never remember his father. And he would never get a chance to know his son.

Part seven. (Which he hadn't anticipated coming for quite a while longer.)

Death.

"There's not much to say." Remus' voice echoed in his head. "Not yet. But you'll find out. And that's when everything changes."


End file.
